3 Reasons Your Daughter In Law Thinks You’re Toxic
Does your estranged daughter-in-law say you’re toxic? here are 3 common reasons why…
You had a close relationship with your son. Things seemed to be going well… until he met his current girlfriend or wife. And now you’re estranged from your son. Your daughter in law says you’re toxic, and no matter what you do, you feel like she wants to keep your son away from you. If that sounds familiar, you’re in the right place.
In this podcast episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
3 of the top reasons your estranged daughter in law says you’re toxic
The main thing you must do to end the battle between your daughter and law and you
Read the blog post below
A couple of things…
If you have not listened to the comprehensive episode I did on the daughter in law cult, I highly recommend listening to it, if you have a daughter in law who’s driving the estrangement.
Also, this is not an indictment against all daughters in law. There are some amazing and wonderful daughters in law, and this is not about them. This information is meant for those who are experiencing difficulties with a daughter in law in regards to estrangement.
Better understanding your daughter in law’s reasons for saying you’re toxic is beneficial for you.
It helps your nervous system, because having no clue where it’s coming from triggers a trauma response. And when you understand it, you have options about how to handle with it.
3 common reasons your daughter in law says you’re toxic…
The first reason your daughter in law might say you’re toxic is: She is carrying an unhealed emotional wound.
Maybe multiple unhealed emotional wounds. For example, if she has an unhealed wound of abandonment from her childhood, she might feel a heightened need to keep your son from walking away from her.
She then sees you as someone with influence in his life, and she fears that if he has a relationship with you, you might pull him away from her. Her fear of abandonment, stemming from the unhealed wound, prompts her to try to isolate your son. And she feels skeptical of you in the process.
The second reason your daughter in law might say you’re toxic is: A difference in family culture
Maybe in your family, you're very close. Maybe you talk about things in a transparent, open way.
But perhaps your estranged daughter in law came from a family culture where that just wasn't done. Maybe they repressed emotions and did not talk about feelings much.
Your family valued closeness. Her family valued privacy.
Maybe it was common that your son called you every couple of days or texted you every day. But in her family culture, that might not have been the case. So to her, that seemed like you were overly involved or enmeshed with your son.
Differences in family culture can lead her to view you, or your family's way of doing things, as toxic.
The third reason your daughter in law might say you’re toxic is: She's not feeling respected in her wife or mother roles.
She may think that you overstep your bounds, and that you don't honor her position as a wife or as a mother.
This can come from a feeling of insecurity, or from differences in boundaries. This can occur even if you had no ill intentions at all.
Here’s an example… you might see a basket of laundry on the sofa when you come to watch the children. Trying to be helpful, you fold the laundry. You remember when you were a young mother, and you would have loved for somebody to pitch in and help with things.
But your daughter in law perceives it as you thinking she doesn't keep the house clean enough, or that she's not doing her job as a wife or a mom.
She is offended and the tension between the two of you builds. Later that night, she tells your son how much it upset her, and that she thinks you view her as lazy or lacking in her way of keeping house. He feels defensive of her, and upset with you.
It wasn’t your intention to cause an issue, but there was a mismatch between your intentions and your daughter in law’s interpretation of your intentions.
If she doesn't feel respected as a wife or mother, that might cause her to pull rank or hold on to whatever power she thinks she can. Then, that leads her to feel that you are toxic.
I hope that this knowledge begins to help your nervous system get its footing. You cannot really approach healing the relationship until your nervous system comes down to baseline.
It's a devastating feeling to feel that your daughter in law doesn't like you, or that she's trying to drive a wedge in your relationship with your son… or even between your grandchildren and you.
It can bring up lots of anxiety, pain or your own wounds of rejection or abandonment. Understanding where she's coming from and why she's saying these things, even if you totally disagree with them, is one of the first steps in your emotional repair.
Once you're in a healed place, you can be more prepared to do the hard things required to repair a relationships with your son and her.
If you found this information helpful, please share it with another mother who may be going through the same thing with her daughter in law.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.
