The Daughter In Law Cult: Was Your Son Brainwashed Into Family Estrangement?
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Have you ever suspected your daughter in law is Causing the family estrangement from your son?
I have something I want to tell you that might answer some questions you have if you’re dealing with a difficult daughter in law.
I’ve been noticing a trend with my estrangement coaching clients who are estranged from their married sons… there seems to be a pattern of daughter in laws entering the son’s life and eventually taking control and causing low contact, or no contact, between the son and his mother.
This can sadly also involve the grandchildren, even to the extent that you’re no longer allowed to see them. You might be permitted to drop off gifts on the porch, but you’re denied access to so much as give them a hug.
The Daughter in law cult
“The daughter in law cult” is more than just a trendy phrase. There is actually a cult-like structure to what may be happening with your daughter in law and your estranged son.
In this cult-like dynamic, the daughter in law coerces and requires your son to behave in a way that aligns with her agenda, thoughts and wishes. There are some specific similarities between what’s happening here, and what cult leaders do.
But first, let’s look at when and why daughter in laws cause family estrangement. Disclaimer here: I am NOT saying that all DILs are bad people or that a DIL is always behind the estrangement of a married son. That may or may not be happening in your situation, but if it IS, this is information you need to know… Okay so let’s look at when and why these situations happen.
There are 2 main times when daughter in laws cause family estrangements between sons and their mothers
A lot of estrangements of sons happen, or worsen, soon after marriage or following the birth of a grandchild. Once your daughter in law married your son, she might have felt her position in his life was more solidified and so she felt emboldened to make demands on him. She may also have felt that it was her right, as the wife, to be the leading lady in your son’s life. And even if you in no way wanted to stand in her way, that doesn’t mean she wasn’t insecure about you.
The birth of a baby is a common time for your DIL to start talking more about boundaries, and you might find your son and DIL becoming more distant or bolder in their requests, or demands. Some of this can be a normal, healthy part of your son and DIL finding their footing as parents and autonomous adults, but it can also signal something emotionally unhealthy.
After the birth of a child, your DIL might feel she has greater leverage due to the say-so she has over the child. She may start using that leverage with the child to guide your son’s thoughts and actions. There may even be a stated or perceived threat to your son that if he doesn’t fall in line with her thinking, she may leave him, take his child from him or so forth.
why do daughter in laws behave in this way?
Here are some possible and plausible reasons… your DIL may fear that you have influence over your son and she feels threatened by that. She might fear loss of control in motherhood or marriage; I call this Queen Bee Syndrome, and it means she believes there is only room for one or the other of you.
She might project her negative perceptions of her own mom onto you as her mother in law. If she herself is estranged from one or both parents, she is more likely to influence your son to estrange, as well.
Why did your son go along with this?
You had a close relationship and you don’t understand why your son would agree with his wife to estrange from you. Men are socially conditioned to have less guilt around separating from their parents. Women tend to worry more about how their actions impact other people, while men tend to feel it is a natural part of life to separate themselves from their parents.
They might even feel it is a sign of weakness or femininity to consult their mothers, or spend a lot of time with them. Think about society’s notions about a man being “a momma's boy”, or how he should “cut the apron strings” from his mom.
Other reasons why sons are vulnerable to an estrangement influence from their wives include these points…
Men tend to be conflict avoidant with their wives. They try to please the wife to keep things smooth at home
Men generally have fewer close friends, and look at their wives as their best, or only, friend
Their self concept as a strong man or good husband, or good dad, depends on keeping their wife safe. She can convince him that you are not good for her mental health, you stress her, you’re controlling and so forth. Therefore he thinks he is keeping her or his children safe by distancing from you. And that reinforces his identity as a good and strong husband or dad.
Let’s look at the similarities between what’s taking place in this situation and what happens in a cult atmosphere…
She tries to re-write history, such as changing the narrative around your relationship to make it “abusive” or wrong. For example, maybe your son tells her a story about the time he got grounded and had to wash all the windows of the house for staying out all night with his buddies. He is laughing about it and telling the story from a place of “Man was I ever a handful”, but your DIL tells him that your actions were abusive.
She states her demands under the guise of improving his life or protecting their children. What dad would not want to feel stronger as a man, or protect his children from emotional harm? She uses his desire to be a healthy, strong person, or to be a protective father, against him. Her misuse of his trust is disguised as helping him be better or do better.
She uses behavior modification and control tactics, such as dictating who he talks to or how often those interactions occur. Either he meets her regulations around if and how interactions happen, or she imposes punishments of arguing, lack of intimacy or guilt tripping. Compliant behavior is rewarded and non-compliant behavior is punished.
She implants seeds of doubt by sharing unreasonable fears or perceptions of you, which she uses to justify her insistence that your son disengage with you. She vilifies you and sets herself up to need him to protect her from you.
Your DIL might also encourage your son to estrange from siblings or his friends. She may absorb him into her family, if she still has a relationship with them, so that he becomes enmeshed with her family instead of his biological family. This increases her sense of control and security, while it removes him from the support system of the family he grew up with.
What you can do to remedy this situation where your daughter in law is causing family estrangement
1. Understand what you’re working with.
As bitter of a pill it is to swallow, in this moment your daughter in law is a gatekeeper to your estranged son, and if you have grandchildren, also to them. You must understand that your DIL is in a power position as far as controlling access to them.
Realize that you will be unlikely to be permitted to see your grandchildren without your DILs buy-in, as unfair as that is to the children and to you. The children become a pawn in many of these situations and one of the kindest things you can do for them is to be healthy and strategic in your way of approaching your daughter in law, and the family estrangement.
Know that this is not about you doing something wrong as a grandparent, and it might have nothing to do with you doing anything wrong as a parent either. Your daughter in law feels some sort of Queen Bee syndrome towards you. She is threatened by you, and often that comes from you actually being a great mom or a great grandmother.
2. Work with an estrangement coach who understands this dynamic well.
Working with a good family estrangement coach prevents you from internalizing the negativity from your DIL as truth. It is vital that you come from a place of peace, power and strategy, and you can’t do that if you’re drinking the kool aid she’s pouring out about how you are a toxic person. It’s equally important not to barge in like a bull in a china shop and challenge her in ways that pour fuel on the fire.
If you want some help with this, let’s get you on my calendar for a consultation about how estrangement coaching with me can help you figure this out and get back into you son or grandchild’s life, and feel less heartbroken in the meantime. Click HERE to schedule a consultation (or get on the wait list if all spots are currently filled)
3. Remove the evidence.
Shut down your DILs ability to cite “evidence” of her accusations against you by shifting how you communicate with her. If she has already convinced your son to estrange, there are specific ways to address this in a message or letter.
I am not talking about an amends letter here, but rather a shorter message that I call a Door Opening Message. You would send the Door Opening Message to your son, but you would include a section to your DIL. If we work together I will literally give you a template for this, and we will walk through it word by word to make sure your Door Opening Message has the best chance of producing a good result.
If you decide to try this on your own, make sure that you validate your DIL’s feelings and use language that is void of any blame or hostility. You want to make her feel that you value her being part of your family and want to work on anything that might be making her feel that it’s best to not have communication with you. Again, there are specific ways to say this so that it works best, and I can help you with that.
Even if your DIL rejects your outreach in the Door Opening Message, you are strategically discrediting her false claims about you to your son. If you’re showing up in a healthy, calm way and inviting her to tell you anything you can do to improve the relationship.
Then she has no ammunition to claim that you don’t try to get along with her, or that your actions are negative. She can’t say that you don’t want a good relationship with her or that you make no effort to make her feel loved or welcome in the family. All of these things may be part of what she says to your son behind closed doors, and when you don’t play the role she is trying to assign to you, you are making headway in the right direction.
4. Create a reconciliation plan.
Because your son is likely conflict avoidant with his wife, you may need to follow up periodically after sending your Door Opening Message. This follow up is important because, since your son doesn’t want to rock the boat with your DIL, he is unlikely to press her on the issue of you seeing your grandchildren, for example.
You don’t want to go too far in the other direction, and push too hard. Generally, in this situation, a reach out every 6 months or so is what I recommend. The follow up can be as simple as saying something like, “I wanted to check in and see if you had received my previous message about working together to improve our relationship. I value you so much and I welcome an opportunity to hear you both out so that I can show up better as a mom, grandmother and mother in law. If you’re open to telling me how you’re feeling and perhaps what I could do to make things work better between us, I would love to talk with you about that. If you are not ready for that right now, I respect your boundary and I can check back in a few months, if that’s okay.”
5. Pray as a powerful intercessor.
Far too often, we say things like, “All I can do is pray.” Nooooo. Don’t say it that way. It’s not “all I can do” as if prayer is some small, inconsequential thing. Prayer is a powerful weapon against the devil, who is trying to destroy your family and you.
Each and every day, spend time in prayer breaking strongholds of wrongful rebellion, deception and division. Bind, in Jesus’ name, any assignment from the enemy against your family and against you.
And you do this until. Until it gets better. Until the breakthrough happens. Whether it takes 1 day or 1 year or 1 decade… consistently make your requests known to God, and never downplay or underestimate the power of your prayers.
Okay friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.