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Do you ever feel like giving up on trying to reconcile with your estranged adult child?

Your brain can try to convince you that it’s time to stop trying to resolve the estrangement from your child. It tells you that the way to stop the pain of estrangement is to stop holding out hope.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you were so worn out from trying to fix things with your estranged adult child that you thought maybe you could end the pain by never reaching out again?

It’s not that you don’t love them or want a reconciled relationship, but you want the pain and feelings of upset and rejection to stop.

During family estrangement your brain defaults to black and white thinking.

If you’ve already tried to reach out to your estranged son or daughter only to have the door slammed shut, your brain is trying to protect you from experiencing a repeat of that rejected feeling.

When you’re in that mental space, you think you have an OR problem. Such as, “I need to either keep trying OR I can stop trying and be free from the anxiety, pain and anger that comes with feeling rejected by my child.

I want to offer to you that what you actually have is an AND situation. You can take a break from trying to repair the estrangement AND you can keep the door open to trying again in the future.

You can step away, calm your central nervous system and give yourself a much needed break without making a permanent decision to never reach out to your estranged daughter or son again.

You get to live life alongside the estrangement. Your every waking moment does not have to be dedicated to figuring this out.

Sometimes living a healthy life looks like taking time away from trying to fix things with your adult child. When I work with estranged mothers, if they have not yet taken a break in reaching out to their child, it’s one of the first things I have them do.

Reaching out to your estranged child can be compared to healing from a broken leg.

Think about having a broken leg...

I can speak about a broken leg from personal experience; a couple years ago, I slipped in my kitchen and broke my leg. I was in the hospital, and the lady from physical therapy came to work with me, so I swung myself around to get out of the bed.

At that point, we knew I had a leg injury but we did not yet know it was broken. So, the physical therapy lady was looking at my test results on the hospital computer as I prepared to get onto my feet. All of a sudden she firmly told me to stay in the bed.

She did not want me to get up. I was confused because I thought we were about to do therapy. But she had just seen the results of my scans, which showed the break in my bone. That changed the plan.

She did not want me putting weight on that leg. Why? Because the broken part needed some time with no pressure or weight on it so that it could heal.

Let me say that again: the broken part needed some time with no pressure or weight on it so that it could heal.

Your estrangement from your child also needs some time with no pressure and no weight on it to support healing to happen. That might look like taking a break from reaching out to your child and using that time to heal your emotions.

Maybe during that time you work with an estrangement coach to process the trauma, learn new communication tools and create a reconciliation plan for how to move forward.

During your rest period, maybe you’ll journal and dive into some deep self care. Or spend extra time in The Word, and in prayer. Whatever that looks like for you, it is okay to take some time away from contacting your estranged adult child.

Rest, don’t quit.

It’s normal to need to rest sometimes. But rest, don’t quit.

If you feel a sense of anxiety about taking the break, I have a Christian meditation you can do to help you hand the worries over to Jesus. You can access that audio at https://www.theestrangedmomcoach.com/meditation

Side note: That meditation is also helpful if you find yourself having trouble sleeping because your mind doesn’t want to shut off at bedtime.

Avoidance and healing are not the same thing.

Your brain might try to offer that if you make a permanent decision to stop trying, the pain will end. It doesn’t work that way.

Avoidance and healing are not the same thing. Really consider letting yourself take the break and revisit your options at a later time, when you might not be feeling so emotionally worn out.

Okay friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.

When You Are Tired Of Trying, Should You Give Up On Reconciliation?

Do you ever feel like giving up on trying to reconcile with your estranged adult child?

During family estrangement your brain defaults to black and white thinking.

Reaching out to your estranged child can be compared to healing from a broken leg.

Rest, don’t quit.

Avoidance and healing are not the same thing.