Should You Send Presents When You Are Estranged From Your Grandchild?

Do you prefer listening instead of reading? Click below to listen to the podcast episode, or skip down to continue reading.

Should you send presents on birthdays and Holidays, when you’re estranged from your grandchild?

This is such an important question because how you approach it can actually help you end the estrangement from your son or daughter.

This topic was brought up in our online Christian Estranged Mothers Support Group, and I was thankful for that because it inspired me to create this episode. If you’re not in the free Facebook community for Christian estranged moms, I invite you to join us there.

If your estranged son or daughter has NOT said absolutely no contact whatsoever…

Okay, so should you send presents to your grands when you are estranged from their mom or dad… or both? In many cases, the answer is YES. If your estranged child has not requested “no contact whatsoever”, then I would recommend that you send presents to the grandchildren. 

Doing so helps your grandchildren know you love them, and it shows your estranged son or daughter that you are being mature, fair and kind… even if they choose not to have contact with you right now. It shows them you are not holding material possessions over their heads because they are not acting as you want them to act at this time.

Keep the boundary clean if you give your grandchildren presents when you’re estranged.

Make sure you keep the boundary clean . Here’s what I mean by that… Don’t sneak in a letter to your estranged child along with the presents to the grandchildren. 

Don’t use the presents as a reasonable sounding excuse to ring the doorbell or talk about the estrangement.

Don’t write a note to your grandchild that says you wish you could give them the gift in person, or something similar.

No guilt tactics and no venturing into the estrangement subject.

How should you deliver the presents?

In most cases, sending the presents via mail, Fed Ex or UPS is a good idea. That shows your estranged daughter or son that you are not trying to use giving the presents as an opportunity to come by their house. They might not be comfortable with that level of contact YET. Go slowly, and let it be enough for this moment.

If your estranged child specifically said NO CONTACT whatsoever…

If your estranged child HAS specified they want no contact from you, and it has been less than 3 months since they made that request, don’t send presents yet. Don’t contact them and ask. If they requested no contact whatsoever, give them at least 90 days of space and honor their boundary. 

If your estranged child asked for no contact, and it has been longer than 90 days since your most recent attempt to contact them, then you can send a message to test the waters. In some cases, the time that has passed was long enough to allow their emotions to settle a bit. If so, they might be open to limited contact from you to enquire about sending a present to their child.

Notice I said THEIR child. Yes, this is your grandchild, but he or she is their child first. It’s important to remember that you can make the request, but ultimately, they are the parent and you have to honor their wishes about their child.

Be humble.

Come at this from a humble perspective instead of one that demands, or feels entitled to, their agreement. Even if you are 100% right, coming from that attitude will only shut things down even more. It defeats the purpose you’re working toward. 

Guidance for what to say if you reach out to ask about sending presents…

Send a text if possible, saying something like this: Hi Susan. I hope this finds you well. I wanted to respect your boundaries so I am sending a message to see if it is okay with you for me to mail a present to Michael, from time to time. I understand that if you agree to this, there are no implications about our relationship. Please let me know your thoughts on this. Thanks, and I love you. - Mom

Keep it short, focused on the objective and warm without being clingy. 

What if they don’t reply?

If you get no reply, you can try sending a gift and see if it is returned. If you get a reply that says no to you sending the present, then honor that decision. If the reply is a NO but is not overly hostile, you can reply one more time and say: Thank you for letting me know. I hope it is okay for me to check in about this in 6 months or so, to see what your perspective is at that time. Sending love. - Mom

This reply sets an expectation that you would try again in 6 months and it also gives them a sense of control because you are not arguing with them or saying they are wrong. The emotional regulation modeled in the 2 text examples I gave can go a long way in actually healing an estrangement. 

Show up as an emotionally safe person.

The more your estranged child sees you model love and emotional regulation - even when you are responding to situations where you were told NO, the more you create buy-in that you are a safe space for them. 

Having them perceive you as an emotionally safe space where they can express what they think without being shot down, or criticized, that is a key to healing the family estrangement. 

Make sure to remind yourself that every time you are met with a NO from them, you have an opportunity to show them you’ve changed and to shift their perspective to seeing you as a safe space. 

Okay friend… that is what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you. 

Love, Jenny

If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.

Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.