6 Steps To Heal From The Emotional Rejection Of Estrangement From Your Child
the feeling of rejection is one of the most universal emotions During estrangement from your child.
Even though you might feel alone and rejected, there are ways to heal from the sense of rejection that the estrangement has caused you to feel.
In this post, I’ll outline 6 steps to help you heal from the emotional pain of rejection. I sincerely hope you find something here that feels healing to your soul.
1) Stop the proverbial bleeding
When you go through estrangement from your child, one of the most common reactions is to become critical of yourself. Your inner self-talk might turn downright mean. You convince yourself you deserve the pain, or that you did everything wrong as a mother.
This overly harsh inner dialogue makes the emotional wound even deeper, and it delays your healing. Since your healing needs to come before the reconciliation happens, it also delays reconciliation. Just like if you were to badly cut your arm, the first step is to stop the bleeding. The treatment can’t get underway until you stop the immediate threat of the bleeding.
So, when you notice the overly critical thoughts coming up for you, picture a red stop sign. In your mind, see the letters STOP on the sign, written in white against the red backdrop of the sign. Allow yourself to exhale and release the self blame and critical thoughts. That’s the first step to “stop the bleeding”.
2) Witness your feelings about the estrangement from your child
When you suppress your feelings, they fester under the surface. The emotions come out in other ways, like not sleeping well or through health issues, or being short towards other family or friends. Witnessing your feelings involves letting yourself feel them, acknowledging them and not trying to fix them right away.
Writing in your journal is a great way to witness your feelings. If you’re not a person who likes to write, you can do a voice journal. Just use the memo app, or any similar recording app on your mobile phone. Don’t censor or judge yourself. Just let the feelings be expressed. Since this is sensitive and private information, make sure you keep your journal in a place where others won’t see or hear it.
Sometimes, it’s hard to witness your feelings on your own if you aren’t used to doing that type of work. In that case, it’s beneficial to work with a trained Estrangement Coach. Your Estrangement Coach can help you witness your emotions and start processing those feelings in ways that feel healing. Reconciliation without healing you first is like building your house on a foundation of sand. Even if there’s temporary success, it collapses at the first storm.
3) Choose a new thought
Your thoughts are one of THE biggest determinants to how you feel. When you catch yourself thinking a thought that works against you, use the stop sign visualization, but after that, choose a new thought to replace the old one.
For example, if you think, “You must have been a terrible mother for your daughter to not want to talk to you now.” You can stop the thought, take a breath and choose a new thought such as: “I made some mistakes because I am human. I also did many things well. Estrangement does not mean I’m a bad person. It means there are some things to work through.”
4) Connect with people who feel safe, supportive and loving
When your child chooses estrangement it is a devastating blow because we think of that relationship as an unbreakable one. It seems like a given that our children would never just shut us out, and yet it happens so often. We start believing a narrative that if they can feel that way about us, then we must be horrible people.
Don’t let the enemy kick you while you’re down, and convince you that you are unlovable or flawed beyond repair. It’s vital to get into the company of people who make you feel loved and valuable. You don’t have to talk to them about the estrangement; you can just spend time together and let them remind you of who you are and how much you matter.
Online communities can be a good source of positive support. If you’re looking for a good online community, I invite you to join our Facebook Support Group For Christian Estranged Mothers. It’s a safe space to share your emotions, ask questions and be in the company of other Christian moms who know about estrangement first hand.
5) Reset your nervous system
Estrangement from your child sends your nervous system into a tailspin. To feel better, you need to soothe your nervous system and give yourself some grace and time.
A few ways to reset your nervous system are taking a warm shower, humming a song or spending 15 minutes per day in the sunlight.
6) Bless and release
When you’ve had some time and space to process hard feelings and soothe your nervous system, you’re ready to move into blessing and releasing. This does not mean you agree with your child’s choice to estrange. It does not mean you are releasing them in the sense of giving up on repairing the relationship.
Close your eyes and bring your estranged daughter or son into the center of your thoughts. Picture them in detail, and hold the image for a few moments. Inhale deeply as you tell yourself you love them and in this moment you will give them space.
Then, exhale and imagine releasing them to have the space they want, for this moment. You can come back to repair the relationship later, but for right now, you release them with love.
Inhale again, and this time as you exhale, release anger, guilt and pain. Practice releasing those emotions for a few more breaths and then open your eyes. The more you do this mini meditation, the easier it becomes.
Pick a place to begin
You don’t have to try all of these ways of healing from rejection associated with estrangement. Instead, choose one and try that a few times. Do this one at a time, to find which one works best for you. It’s normal to struggle with rejection during estrangement, but you have the God-given power to heal from that pain. If you want support with this, reach out to me about Estrangement Coaching.
Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.