13 Thoughts That Helped Me End My Family Estrangement
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What you think is the greatest predictor of if you will reconcile with your estranged child.
When I was estranged from my daughter, I tried to reconcile with her in just about any way you could imagine. My apologies were falling flat on their faces, and our attempts to talk it out were hit and miss at best… and that is IF she would talk to me at all.
Do you know what actually did make a huge difference in repairing the relationship? Taking control of my thoughts.
Once I really plugged into taking unhelpful thoughts captive, and choosing specific thoughts that worked for me instead of against me… that was life changing. Things shifted.
This is not just my experience, either. I have helped hundreds of estranged mothers and I’ve seen this work time and time again.
In this blog post, I’m sharing 13 thoughts that positioned me to feel better and heal the estrangement from my daughter.
1: Your estranged child borrows your belief.
When you have a calm confidence about you, and you truly believe that your family will be healed and everything is going to be okay… then other people borrow that belief. Including your estranged son or daughter. Likewise, if you have a negative belief, people will come into agreement with you.
2: My children can be the icing on the cake but they don’t get to BE the cake.
My children are like icing on the cake, but I do not make them the whole cake. Doing so would be to place them as an idol in my life. When you allow your child’s absence to ruin your life or make you feel like nothing is worth doing, you’re letting them be the whole cake instead of the icing on the cake.
3: My identity comes from God.
I was a person in whom Jesus saw value before I was a mom. Being a mom is a gift and a blessing, and it is also ONE part of who I am. Take some time to consider who you are outside of being a mother. Maybe it’s time to get in touch with your true identity, so that you can tap into fulfillment and happiness, even alongside the estrangement.
4: The success of my efforts is in how I show up, not in how my Estranged Child responds.
It’s important to bring the locus of control back inside of you, as opposed to letting it rest in the hands of other people. Your success in trying to reconcile centers on how you show up, not on how your estranged child responds. If you show up well, for long enough, the odds are in your favor that the reconciliation will repair. It’s kind of like the old saying about taking care of the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves.
I remember feeling like if my child approved of me or gave me even the slightest sign that things were getting better, it was like the sun was shining, the birds were singing and I was in a GREAT mood. But she could take it away just as easily as she gave it, and if she disapproved of me, I felt sad, unable to focus and upset.
In estrangement coaching, we create new ways of responding to your estrangement so that you bring your power back to yourself. You learn to enjoy your life, alongside the estrangement, NOW… instead of if or when your child agrees and approves. That’s where we begin, and then we move into the tools that move the needle on your broken relationship. There is a major sense of freedom that comes with only trying to control what you can control… you.
5: Apologies without a comma feel better.
I learned that apologizing and following it with a comma, and an explanation, is not much of an apology at all. It kind of waters down the apology and makes your estranged child think you don’t really mean it, or you’re making it all about you.
I learned that a simple “I’m sorry” without a reason, explanation of other extra words, feels better to me, and to my daughter as well. Say you’re sorry and let it be enough. Release the fears that cause you to feel compelled to explain.
6: I want to give myself space and time to choose a response.
Not every text has to be answered immediately. My immediate knee-jerk reaction is not always the best way of communicating. I’ve learned to take a breath, and give myself the time and space and process what’s being communicated, and to respond in a way that uses the medicine of forgiveness and love.
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7: Forgiveness and love are the medicine.
I have helped many, many estranged mothers. I’ve also been through estrangement from my daughter, and reconciliation. I have experienced a son involved with a female with a seducing Jezebel spirit. And through all of that experience, I can tell you that forgiveness and love are the medicine that heals the wounds. How the medicine gets applied and who it needs to be poured over can vary. It helps to work with a Christian Estrangement Coach who understands this concept, and can guide you. But that’s the medicine. Forgiveness + love.
8: I am the healer, not the wound.
It is easy to fall into a trap of seeing yourself as the wound. When you feel sad, ashamed or guilty, you are likely identifying as the wound. Even if you 100% caused the wound, you are not the wound. I made some big mistakes with my formerly estranged daughter, and even in the times I caused the wound, I am still the healer… not the wound.
The fact that you are here, reading to this right now, tells me that you are called to be the healer. You are the healer, not the wound. When I learned to start where I was, and do one thing to bring healing. One thing. That is the start of a healing journey. You can decide to cut ties with identifying as the wound. You can do it right now, in Jesus’ name.
9: Taking it to God in prayer does more to change Their perception than trying to talk them out of it.
Our children estrange based on their perception. They already expect us to tell them they’re wrong, and to try to change their perception. That is an uphill battle. Instead, take it to God in prayer. Pray powerful prayers for them, ask for both their perception AND yours to be changed in any way that aligns more with God’s will. Fight for them in prayer instead of fighting WITH them in arguments that aim to shift their perspective by way of a verbal challenge.
10: Grief comes in waves. Let yourself feel your feelings.
Becoming more healed is not always a linear process. And part of healing is to make peace with the fact that grief and other hard feelings come in waves, or at unexpected moments. Allow the feelings to come. My clients probably know this concept as Hearing Your Emotions. That’s one of the first things we work on together in Estrangement Coaching.
Allow the feelings to be there, and to speak their message to you. All emotions have a message attached to them. Until you witness them and allow heir message to be communicated to you, those feelings will come back again and again, and they get louder. Until you give them love. Until you give them audience. This is not loss of progress. This is emotional healing.
11: My thoughts determine much of how I feel and what I do (or avoid doing).
You might mistakenly think you’re reacting to a circumstance, but your feelings about estrangement come from how you think about that circumstance.
When you learn the right tools to pivot from disempowering thoughts to thoughts that serve you better, you master the art of taking thoughts captive and creating emotions you actually WANT to feel.
If you’re feeling down, angry, ashamed or confused, spend some time looking for the thought that’s at the root of those feelings. Once you isolate the thought, you can find out what else could be true that would feel more empowering. Then practice that thought.
And “practice” is a key word here, because it can take up to 90 days to create a new neural pathway in your brain. Better neural pathways create better overall emotions. And how you feel is a big factor in what you do or avoid doing… which in turn, heavly influences whether you repair the estrangement, or not.
12: How I respond to my mistakes goes a long way to repair the relationship with my Estranged Child.
Have you ever noticed the reviews for restaurants on Google? Often, when a restaurant gets a negative review, someone from their staff responds to the bad review by leaving a reply on Google reviews. They might apologize for the person’s bad experience and ask them to call them so that they can personally handle the situation, and make it right with them.
You might think a bad review would harm the restaurant’s business, but actually, if the staff member responds in a really good way, it can increase sales. Why? Because people know human beings make mistakes, but if they respect and like the way the person responds to their mistake, they trust them more and they want to do business with them.
It’s similar with your estranged son or daughter. If you make a mistake and then respond in a way that takes ownership and displays emotional regulation and love, they are much more likely to believe you’re making positive changes. That creates a sense of emotional safety for them, which leads to them being willing to talk with you.
One of the best ways I like to respond if I make a mistake with my daughter is to say, “Hey, I didn’t like the way I showed up in that situation. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” I keep it short, simple and clean. And she has respected that and been gracious about it. Chances are, your child will too.
13: Who you want to be is who you already are… under the sludge.
When I was first estranged from my daughter, I spent considerable time with the emotion of regret. I felt like I wanted to be more loving, better in control of my emotions and I wanted my children to see me as a safe, positive space. I longed to be able to create positive, calm experiences for my children when they interacted with me.
But a part of me believed it was too late to change how I showed up with my daughter because I had already blown it. Here’s something I came to understand: When you long to be a certain way, that’s already your destiny. That’s already who you are as the highest version of yourself, and your job is to remove all the weeds and clutter that got in the way.
You pull the weeds by healing from false childhood narratives, other people’s negative projections onto them and learning to embody being the healer and not the wound. That’s your job… to remove what got in the way of who you are called to be. That’s it.
So if you WANT to be more this way or less of that… you really already are. But you have to remove the weeds and reconcile your actions and thoughts with that higher version of yourself.
Okay friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation.
Jenny Good is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach, specializing in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.