Estranged Mothers: You MUST Do This Before Reconciling With Your Adult Child
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God is a God of order. There is a specific, ordered path back to your estranged child.
When your central nervous system is in a state of dysregulation, you suffer, and your non-estranged relationships suffer. You cannot show up in ways that will heal the estranged relationship from your daughter or son when your nervous system is in a state of dysregulation and overwhelm.
It’s like trying to grow a healthy, beautiful flower from poisoned soil. The new thing cannot get what it needs because its nutrient source doesn’t have what it needs to be healthy.
Some of the symptoms of An Overwhelmed nervous system are…
Feeling stuck in indecision, or being unsure of what to do next
Feeling irritable
Arguments with non-estranged people you love
Trouble sleeping or over-sleeping
Eating too little or too much
Lack of interest in things you normally enjoy
Feeling hopeless
Anxiety
All or nothing thinking
Family estrangement pushes you into a trauma response.
You might find yourself engaging in your default trauma response as a way of trying to cope.
For example, if your default trauma response is “flight”, you stay so busy that when you finally wrap up the day’s events, you fall into bed feeling too exhausted to think. That way you avoid the emotions that want to come up about the estrangement.
Or if you are someone who tends to freeze up in response to trauma, you might zone out and sleep or lay on the sofa all day. You feel like your body is heavy, and it’s too much work to get up and move around much.
You unplug from the situation and therefore avoid the thoughts and feelings that feel triggering.
There are 2 common ways your nervous system reacts to being estranged from your child.
2 of the most common ways your nervous system goes into dysregulation when you’re dealing with family estrangement is being over-stressed and under-resourced.
Let’s look at being over-stressed first… of course you will be highly stressed when your son or daughter goes no contact with you. Depending on your history and things that have happened in your life up until now, the estrangement might open up old wounds and traumas, on top of the actual estrangement from your child.
You cycle through feeling like you’re getting a grip on things and then fall right back into feeling overwhelmed, sad and stressed again. This can happen multiple times in the same day, and it is emotionally exhausting.
The other thing that causes nervous system dysregulation during estrangement is being under-resourced. Even our usual support system of family, friends and church members might draw a blank when it comes to knowing how to truly support you on the estrangement journey.
Or maybe you feel too ashamed to even want to talk to people who you fear might judge you and think you must have done something major to have your child go no contact with you. That’s understandable.
Finding the right support can Be challenging.
At the time of this writing, there are very few therapists who specialize in estrangement and have experience with successful reconciliations. There are also very few family estrangement coaches with that specialized knowledge and experience.
If you want the person you work with to have those skills AND also be Jesus-centered, the list of people you have to choose from is a very short list. That leads to feeling under-resourced, like you don’t have what you need. Anytime we feel we don’t have what we need, our nervous system will start pumping out stress chemicals, and we go into dysregulation.
The answer to both of these nervous system triggers - being over-stressed and under-resourced - is to get the right support from the right person.
Work with a certified Estrangement Coach who has experience both with reconciling with their own child and also experience with helping others do the same thing. Make sure they are a Christian who is led by God and that they feel like a safe person to you.
I have invested thousands into my training as an Estrangement Coach and I continue to learn so that I can bring the best knowledge to you. But I also have the real world experience of going through estrangement with my own adult child, and successfully reconciling in a lasting and meaningful way.
I’ve helped hundreds of Christian estranged mothers; I care about the well being and restoration of every one of my clients, and every person reading these words right now.
What happens during estrangement coaching?
As your estrangement coach, I teach you how to heal from the pain of estrangement, how to communicate in a way that your child receives much better… and how to create a reconciliation plan that positions you with the BEST possible odds of getting your child back in your life.
You’ll have a plan. You’ll have peace of mind. And you’ll have someone in your corner who understands and accepts you right where you are.
If investing in estrangement coaching feels scary…
Here’s a little side note to investing in coaching: One way the devil loves to try to keep estranged mothers from getting the support that will move them forward, is to prey on them through fear. Fear of spending money to get the right support.
Let me give you a word on that subject…
This is not a situation where you want to duct tape things together or try to do it yourself. This is not a situation where cutting corners to save a little money is a good idea.
We as a society have normalized spending a thousand dollars on an iPhone, or hundreds of dollars for a nice dinner with a friend. We don’t flinch at spending thousands on a car that begins to depreciate in value the moment we drive it off the lot.
Yet, some people pull back at the thought of investing in their emotional well being and their FAMILY. Really think about that. We’re talking about your family here.
This is more important than the latest phone or the car that you drive. And instead of depreciating in value, I give my clients tools that change their life for the better, for the REST OF THEIR LIFE.
We need to normalize allocating money to the things that really matter, instead of supporting what the world tells us to spend money on.
Whether you work with me, a Christian family estrangement therapist or someone else, I truly hope you get the right support. It’s key to healing your nervous system so that you can be ready for the work of learning to communicate differently, and creating and working your reconciliation plan.
You won’t have the bandwidth until you regulate your nervous system.
My estrangement coaching clients could tell you that sometimes, the work we do calls them up to a hugher version of themselves. When you begin talking to your estranged daughter or son again, they’re going to say things that are hard to hear.
I teach you exactly how to handle that, but you cannot implement what I teach you until your nervous system is healed. You have to have that solid foundation to hold the substantial thing we’re going to build. It starts with you. To heal the fruit, you heal the root. You are the root.
Start healing your nervous system with these tips:
In the meantime, one of the ways to help your nervous system reset is to spend at least 15 minutes each day in the sunlight. Open the curtains, take a walk outside or go for a drive. Put on your sunscreen and let the rays of warmth heal your nervous system. This simple act of being in the sunlight for 15 minutes per day can raise your serotonin levels and soothe a frazzled nervous system.
Put yourself into a community you feel loved, safe and accepted in. This can be your church community, a book club or an online space. When you feel emotionally safe, loved and accepted, your nervous system begins to relax and trust again. If you’re seeking an emotionally safe, loving online space
Okay friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny Good
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.