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An Amends Letter is unlikely to end the estrangement from your adult child.

If you’ve read a few books or listened to some podcasts about family estrangement, you’ve probably heard people talking about amends letters. Basically, these are letters, emails or texts where you tell your estranged child you’re sorry for the things you did wrong, and you ask for forgiveness and a chance to repair the relationship.

This is a popular “solution” offered by family estrangement professionals, but the problem is, it doesn’t work all that well. In this post, I’ll tell you why amends letters fall short of getting the result you want, and what works better instead of an amends letter.

Family estrangement is a symptom.

Estrangement is a symptom, not a problem. By that, I mean that even if you do not know what the actual problems are that led to the estrangement, I guarantee there were problems happening. Your estranged child might act very cold and uncaring, but in reality most estranged adult children did not come to the decision of estrangement lightly. Whether or not you agree with their reasons, they believe they had little other choice because they believed you would not hear them out or that you would not change whatever it was that they think caused the rift.

I am not debating who’s right or wrong here. It would be impossible for me to know that because I don’t know your situation. Instead of making it about who’s right, instead allow yourself to focus on your estranged child’s perception. Their perception is what we have to work with in order to get them to open a door to possible reconciliation.

Why don’t amends letters get a better response?

When you write an amends letter, it’s like trying to stuff a whole huge rebuild of trust and apology into one letter. Whatever problems led to the symptom of estrangement, it’s unlikely that your child will believe it can all be fixed in one letter. And they’d be right about that.

It took time to get to the place where the communication was so broken that estrangement occurred. It will also take time to repair it. The words of your amends letter are only part of the battle. Your estranged child has to have buy in. Meaning they have to believe you fully understand and mean the words in the amends letter.

If they’ve had little or no contact with you for some time, and suddenly they get the amends letter… even if you wrote all the right words, they’re probably not going to believe you’ve changed much. They have little on which to base a belief that you’ve changed if their past experiences with you tell a different story. Remember… perception.

That’s why so often, parents say they wrote the amends letter and said all the things they thought they were supposed to say, but their child ignored them, or rejected their offer to work it out.

Here’s what works better than the amends letter.

I call it a Door Opening Message. Because that’s all we’re trying to accomplish with this. Just a tiny baby step. A crack in the door. That is enough for the moment.

In your door opening message, you want to tell your child 3 things, and then make an invitation:

1 - You have been doing a lot of thinking and you realize now that the decision to estrange must have been hard for them to make. You understand they would not have estranged without feeling there was good reason to do so. In fact, maybe at the time they felt they had no choice.

2 - You’ve taken some time to start working on yourself. You know that you have more work to do, but you want them to know you are working with a coach (or a therapist or etc) to figure out how to heal and how to show up better as a parent.

3 - You’ve reached a place where you’re ready and able to truly hear them out, without deflecting or defending. You would welcome the opportunity to have a conversation with them to listen to their reasons for the estrangement with fresh ears.

Make a direct, open and easy invitation. This has to feel like a no pressure thing to your son or daughter. We’re just opening the door a tiny crack. So that sounds something like this: if you are agreeable to having a conversation like that, let me know and we can set up a time to talk. If this is not the right time, I respect that, and I will leave this as an open invitation for the future. I know that one conversation isn’t going to fix things, but I know it starts with me hearing what’s on your heart. Reach out any time.

Of course, these suggestions are general points. When I know your specific situation, I can help you create a door opening message that’s more customized to you. If you’d like to work with me to scrap the amends letter and create your door opening message, I can help you…

Please note: I no longer do 1-time sessions to blow through “how to craft your door opening message”. This does not create lasting change in your relationship with your child. It simply gets them to say yes to a meeting, which quickly goes wrong. Instead, my work is about creating deep healing and last positive change in you, and in in your relationship with your child. Writing your door opening message is something we do while working together, but it’s only one piece of the process. If you’re looking for a quick fix in a single hour. I am not the coach for you. If, however, you want to do the deeper work of feeling better, reclaiming your power and healing your estrangement, I invite you to book a consultation.

One big takeaway i want you to have today is this: whether you are semi estranged or full blown no contact, there is a way to resolve your situation. If it hasn’t worked in the past it’s because of one thing… You haven’t learned to communicate differently. And you learn to communicate differently by healing yourself, and changing the internal messaging within you so that your energy, words and actions feel like a safe space to your adult child.

That’s the key to the whole thing. Your problems are not insurmountable. Your estranged child and you want similar things, but you’re communicating it very differently. People universally want to be loved, accepted and safe. You want that. They want that. We just have to bridge the gap in how it’s communicated. Can it be that simple? Yes, it actually can.

And that should fill you with so much hope.

Okay friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.

Why An Amends Letter Won't Help Your Family Estrangement

An Amends Letter is unlikely to end the estrangement from your adult child.

Family estrangement is a symptom.

Why don’t amends letters get a better response?

Here’s what works better than the amends letter.