3 Qualities Of A Healthy Boundary
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Healthy boundaries are not just for our adult children. they are important for you Too.
Maybe you’ve heard a lot of talk about boundaries, as it pertains to your adult child. But healthy boundaries are not just for our adult children; they are very important for you as the mom.
There are 2 types of boundaries I help my clients with. One is self boundaries around what we allow ourselves to think about and how much time we devote to worry, anxiety or ruminating in our past mistakes. The second boundary type I help clients with is boundaries with others.
And that’s what I want to talk to you about in this space… your boundaries with other people, and how to know when you’re setting a healthy boundary verses a boundary that’s not going to serve you well.
There are 3 main qualities of a healthy boundary.
#1 The boundary focuses on your response
When you create healthy boundaries, those boundaries should focus on you. A good boundary is about protecting your peace and yourself. It’s about setting clear and reasonable expectations about what your response will be, if certain choices are made by the other person. Anytime the boundary gets into the realm of focusing more on the other person’s actions than on your responses, it’s time to rework the boundary.
#2 The boundary is not rooted in a place of punishment or desire to control.
You cannot control the other person, and that’s not what a good boundary is designed to do. It’s a waste of time to put your energy into trying to force the other person to make the choices you want them to make. You take those things to God in prayer and He can change the person’s heart, but you won’t get far by trying to use boundaries to give ultimatums. In fact, when you use boundaries as ultimatums, the other person is most likely to dig their feet in deeper and try to defy you by doing more of what you don’t want. Remember, boundaries are not meant to be punishment, but rather as healthy guard rails to protect you, and even to protect the relationship with the other person.
In Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Lysa illustrated this idea about protecting the relationship by examining God’s response to Adam and Eve’s transgression in the Garden of Eden…
After directing Adam and Eve to leave the Garden of Eden, God put a guard over the area to ensure they did not return and partake from The Tree Of Life. At first consideration, it might seem like this was a punishment. But it was more than punitive. If God had allowed Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree Of Life, it would have frozen them in a forever state that they were in, which was a state of separation from God. God knew that He would send Jesus who would cause the veil to be torn, and end the separation of God and man. And He used the boundary to keep them from causing permanent separation in the relationship.
So, always remember that when you set healthy boundaries, they can actually save the relationship. Make sure your boundaries are not rooted in a desire to punish the other person.
#3 You are prepared to enforce the boundary you set.
Saying you are going to enforce a boundary and then not following through creates unclear expectations and can also create a breeding ground for emotional abuse.
For example, if your adult child is swearing at you and you tell them that you want to hear what they have to say but you do not want to be cussed at. And maybe you tell them that if they choose to continue cussing at you, you will need to end the conversation and talk at another time. But they continue to swear at you and you do nothing about it. You do not end the conversation and you allow your boundary to be walked all over.
That is unhealthy for you, and it creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy for your adult child, and your relationship with them. In the moment, you might feel afraid that your child will resent you and you’ll ruin your chances of repairing the estrangement if you enforce a boundary. I get it.
Hear me on this: the people who get angry because you set a reasonable boundary are the exact people with whom you need the boundary. They might get angry or resist it at first, and that’s okay. Instead of focusing on their reaction, focus on your response. They are responsible for their reaction. That is not yours to own for them.
If you’re wondering how to stay in that space of calm and emotional regulation when setting healthy boundaries, I can help you. It is essential that you have good boundaries in place when you move into the reconciliation phase with your adult child. In that part of the family healing process, your adult child will trigger you at times. This is especially true in the first few conversations.
Good boundaries and knowing how to manage your thoughts and emotions help you get through the triggered moments without reacting in ways that set back your progress. I also help my clients stay emotionally safe during the reconciliation process, and not fall into a pattern of people-pleasing because of fear of losing them again.
If you want to explore working with me as your estrangement coach, you can set up a free consultation call here.
to recap, the 3 qualities of a healthy boundary are…
The boundary focuses on your response.
The boundary is not rooted in a place of punishment or desire to control.
You are prepared to enforce the boundary you set.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.