Considering Reaching Out To Your Estranged Child? 6 Steps To Take BEFORE You Do It!
Take these 6 steps before reaching out to your estranged son or daughter
Estranged mothers carry so much heartache. And if you’ve found yourself wearing the label of a mom whose child went no contact, you know that ache all too well.
Perhaps you also know about the longing to reach out to your estranged child… and the gripping fear that you’ll get it wrong. If you’ve ever wondered when the “right time” is to contact your estranged son or daughter, you’re in the right place.
In this episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
What’s actually more important than reaching out early on in estrangement
Six essential steps to take before you reach out to your estranged son or daughter
The four possible responses your estranged child can have to your reach out message
Click below to listen to the podcast episode, or skip down for the blog.
Read the blog below…
So many estranged mothers wonder if they should reach out to their child. And if so, they wonder… “What should I say?”
I understand the urgency and yearning behind those questions. You love your son or daughter. Of course you want to reach out. Of course you want to open up a conversation and make things right as soon as possible.
But here’s what I want you to hear with love and compassion…
Reaching out too soon, before you’ve taken certain critical steps, can actually make things worse instead of better.
It’s not about how fast you reach out. It’s about how ready you are when you do.
I do not want you to do it before being ready because you might only get one bite out of that apple.
I’m going to walk you through…
Six steps you need to take before reaching out to your estranged son or daughter.
These steps help prepare your heart, your mind and your nervous system - and they create a solid foundation for the healing and reconciliation process.
So let’s get into those six steps:
Step 1: Make it right with Jesus
If there are things in your relationship with your child that you regret - moments where you missed the mark, said the wrong thing or let fear take the lead - bring those to Jesus.
He is inviting you into healing.
1 John 1:9 says: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Talk to Him. Repent if needed. And then receive His forgiveness. Scripture says God casts your sins as far as the east is from the west. You don’t need to carry endless guilt. So, if there is anything to do with the estrangement that you need to receive God’s forgiveness for, talk to Him. Lean into His grace and forgiveness.
Step 2: Forgive yourself
After you’ve receive God’s forgiveness, it’s time to stop punishing yourself for the past. It’s time to forgive yourself.
How can you ask your child to forgive you if you won’t forgive yourself?
Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean making excuses. It doesn’t mean that you gloss over a poor choice or a regretted past behavioral pattern. It means owning it, healing from it and choosing to move forward in love.
You cannot reach your child from a place of self-condemnation. But you can reach them from a place of responsibility, humility and the calm confidence that comes with healing and a renewed sense of hope.
Step 3: Regulate your nervous system
Estrangement is a trauma. It puts your nervous system on high alert, and can leave you feeling like a version of yourself you scarcely recognize.
When your nervous system is dysregulated, you’re more likely to communicate from anxiety, fear, anger or emotional fatigue. That type of communication leads to regret and a longer time estranged from your child.
Before you reach out, you need to soothe your nervous system and practice regulating your body’s stress response so that you can show up with grounded calm, rather than panic or reactivity.
Helpful side note: Nervous system regulation is an important piece of emotional recovery and preperation for reconciliation. You can listen to the podcast episode called 6 Ways To Create A Central Nervous System Soothing Environment. Challenge yourself to choose at least one from way from the episode to soothe your nervous system.
Step 4: Get guidance and support
Please don’t walk this journey alone. Get the right support and guidance but be discerning about who you choose to occupy that role for you.
Not every coach or therapist understands estrangement. Some give advice that sounds good on the surface but actually leads you further away from reconciliation.
Make sure your support person is Biblically aligned, rooted in wisdom and has a proven track record of helping estranged parents and adult children find their way back to each other.
Pray for discernment. Ask them questions. Be sure they feel like a safe person and a good fit for you.
Step 5: Engage in spiritual warfare
Estrangement is not just an emotional or relational issue. It is also a S/spiritual battle.
The enemy wants to divide families. he wants to convince you that your reconciliation efforts won’t matter. he wants you to give up, spiral into bitterness or shrink back in shame.
But you are not defenseless against the devil.
God gave you weapons of spiritual warfare, such as: prayer, Scripture, declarations, fasting and worship.
In estrangement coaching, I help my clients create personalized spiritual warfare plans. And I’ve also done episodes on the podcast about how to pray for your estranged child and how to engage in battle prayer. You can listen to one of those podcast episodes here.
Step 6: Learn to communicate differently
You cannot solve an issue with the same communication patterns that contributed to it. If your child perceived you as controlling, dismissive, reactive or unavailable, your communication has to shift.
That doesn’t mean you show up fake. It means you learn to express things in a way your child can better receive.
I developed a method of communication especially for this purpose. If you choose to work with someone else, or if you are working on this on your own, make sure your communication style shifts in a way that feels emotionally safe to your child. In a way that helps them feel heard, unjudged and as though you can handle hearing hard things.
Once you’ve taken those six steps… Then it’s time to create a reconciliation plan that includes your reach out.
Your plan should include an ongoing S/spiritual warfare plan, a door opening message (which is not the same as a traditional amends letter) and it should include clear actions for how to respond to any of the four possible reactions from your estranged adult child.
Those four responses are:
They say yes, and they want to talk
They say maybe in the future, but not right now
Silence
They tell you not to contact them again
You need a proper plan for each of these possibilities so that you don’t spiral or overreact, no matter how your child responds. You need to know what to do next.
Listen, I know your heart is tender and tired.
You love your child deeply.
You want to make things right.
You want to be free from the pain but not from the love.
And I want you to know - it’s not too late. But don’t rush the reach out.
Slow down. Exhale. Engage in the 6 steps outlined in this post. It’s not wasted time; it’s important preparation.
It’s like you saying, “Lord, help me build this reconciliation on a rock, not on shifting sand.”
Your situation is not too far gone for God to set things right.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.
