Should You Even Put Up The Christmas Tree If You're Experiencing Family Estrangement From Your Adult Child
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Experiencing family estrangement at Christmas can leave you feeling numb
Christmas is right around the corner! This is a time of year that I love. I love the meaning of the Holidays and the feeling of gratitude. I love the lights, music and the kindness people display. I love giving great gifts, and I absolutely adore celebrating the birth of Jesus.
With that said, I also know that when we’re in the grief process over an estranged child, or maybe you’ve even physically lost a child (which I have done both - I went through estrangement from my daughter and I lost my oldest son when he was 12)... if you’re in that grief process, Christmas can feel really hard.
So many estranged moms wrestle with the question of: Should I even put up the Christmas tree this year? And not only the tree, but you might be wondering if you want to celebrate at all.
Before we dive in, i want to invite you to get support in a community for christian estranged moms
Being in community with like minded people is an important part of surviving and thriving when you’re experiencing family estrangement at Christmas time. The free Facebook community I created is such a gentle and safe haven for Christian estranged moms. All estranged moms are welcome, but be aware we talk about Jesus in there and that’s really important to me.
Inside the group, I post a guided journal prompt on Sundays, and we have discussions throughout the week about things like growing with God, estrangement from adult children, how to reconcile with estranged family members and our emotional healing. God is building this group with amazing women and I would love for you to join us there. Join us by clicking here.
Let’s talk about celebrating Christmas when you’re estranged from your son or daughter
One of the things I teach my family estrangement coaching clients is that when you make a choice, I’m usually more concerned with WHY you make the choice, as opposed to the details of the choice itself. So, if you do not put up the Christmas tree, or celebrate in other ways, what are your reasons? Really think about that. Write them out if it helps to see them on paper.
Pretend you decide not to put up the tree, and that you do not decorate or celebrate this Christmas. Is that decision coming from avoidance of dealing with your estrangement situation? Is the decision coming from a disempowered place? If so, let me say this: avoiding facing the emotions of your estrangement does not make them go away. It just pushes them deeper under the surface for some amount of time.
Eventually, the emotions work their way back to the forefront and they come out either in your other relationships, through your health or in other undesirable ways. It’s a temporary fix at best and until you emotionally heal, reconciliation with your child, or even happiness in your day to day life, are much less likely to happen for you.
Reluctance to celebrate Christmas because of your estrangement might mean that it’s time to work on your emotional healing
If you have not started that process of emotional healing, this is truly the time. That might be exactly why God has you reading this right now.
Email me and let me know you’re interested in possibly getting on the journey to emotional healing from your family estrangement.
Celebration can walk alongside grief
As you consider whether or not to put up the tree and celebrate Christmas, here’s something to think about… celebration can walk alongside grief.
Sometimes, we avoid celebrating because we have a story somewhere inside us that if we allow ourselves to have moments of celebration and joy, we invalidate our pain.
You might be holding that belief without even realizing it. But I want you to know that you can have happiness and you can celebrate. and still have valid feelings of pain, sadness, anger or grief.
It’s healthy for your central nervous system to get periodic breaks from the heavy emotions you’re carrying right now. It doesn’t mean a single thing about the validity of your grief.
Carve out space for sad feelings
One really effective way to handle the sad feelings that might get stronger around the Holidays is to allow a certain amount of time for it.
You can set a timer for 30 minutes and allow yourself to sit with those feelings, or maybe you want to journal about how you feel during that time block. When the timer goes off, take a deep breath and step out of that space. Get up and do something that encourages your soul.
Take a walk, put on praise music or Christmas music, call a positive friend or play with your pet for a while. Anything that feels positive. You might feel like you want to stay in that sad place… like you don’t have the energy to pull yourself out and do something positive.
Don’t believe everything you feel when it comes to that. Push through it and really make yourself leave that space and do the positive thing.
The key here is balancing allowing yourself to feel your feelings with not allowing yourself to get stuck in the hard feelings.
Nostalgic feelings are normal
Let’s say you decide to go ahead and put up the tree and set out the Christmas decorations. Some nostalgic feelings will likely come up.
Maybe you come across an ornament that your child gave you or you put up a decoration that you normally put up as a family. It’s okay to feel your feelings.
Give yourself a few moments to feel whatever is coming up, and then ask yourself this question: What do I love and cherish about this memory? That question helps you focus on the good memories you have attached to this object instead of going to the estrangement thought.
Your brain will try to make the good memory feel meaningless because of the estrangement but that is a thought you can reject. The memory has valid meaning and the fact that you are currently estranged does not get to erase the good memory.
Focus on feeling gratitude and love in your body as you look at the object and then move on to the next thing. It might take some practice, and that’s okay. Keep trying and it will become more second nature.
Acting “as if”
Here’s something I find fascinating, and you might know this but maybe you don’t… did you know that acting “as if” can lead to creating the thing you’re acting out?
Here’s what I mean… if you act as if you are happy, you can actually create happiness. If you act as if you are confident, in time, you can actually become more confident. Just by acting as if you already are that way.
I am by no means saying that you can pretend your troubles away, but I AM saying that if you take some intentional steps to act as if you are happy or cheerful, and you do that repeatedly, I believe you will see at least an incremental shift in how you feel.
What you practice becomes what you feel. You can choose to practice feeling sad or you can practice feeling happy. And whichever you choose, will grow. It’s not THE answer, but it’s a piece of the answer.
The thought changes first, then the actions and lastly the feeling changes too. But to get to the part where the feeling changes, you have to take action in faith. Before you see the result. Isn’t that what faith is - believing and acting before you see the fruit by way of a result?
Don’t lose sight of the real reason to celebrate Christmas
Remember the real reason for celebrating Christmas. It’s about celebrating the birth of our wonderful Savior. His birth brought us hope and deliverance. In the midst of an estrangement from your child, don’t you need hope and deliverance in that situation?
Jesus loves you and wants to help you through this. He is our Hope. Being estranged from your adult child does not void the meaning of Christmas. What if you focused on the hope and deliverance of the Holiday? How might that shift your feelings?
If you decide to decorate, create an atmosphere that’s gentle to your central nervous system
By this point, I hope you are strongly considering putting up the tree and celebrating Christmas. If you decide to do it, here are a few tips to help you create an atmosphere that’s gentle to your central nervous system.
Because our central nervous system needs extra care when we’re grieving or under stress.
Use soft lights on the tree and in your overall decorations. Harsh or overly bright lighting can feel abrupt and uncomfortable.
Add a personal touch with meaning - you might want to add different decorations that represent a new season in your life. You might want to add an ornament that represents your estranged child. Maybe you bring in a decoration that represents your faith that God is working all things for your good. Add some personal touches that have meaning for you.
Give yourself permission to keep it simple. You can just bring out a few items you love and not go all out if that feels right. Maybe this year you decorate the inside but forego the outdoor lights. Allow it to be simple but beautiful at the same time.
I hope something you’ve read here gives you the inspiration and courage to decorate and celebrate in ways that are just right for where you are now.
Family estrangement from your son or daughter is a major trauma and it’s natural to feel mixed emotions during a Season when we typically celebrate with family. Be gentle with yourself and if you need some extra support, talk with a family Christian Estrangement Coach or a Christian therapist with training in estrangement.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.