How do I survive being estranged from my son or daughter during the Holidays?
You might be asking yourself that question right now. You miss your estranged adult child, and maybe you also have grandchildren you’re longing to spend the Holidays with. Family estrangement always hurts, but it hits you especially hard as the Holidays come around.
In this podcast episode, and blog post, I’ll walk you through…
Dealing with social media images of happy families when you’re missing your estranged child
What to focus on to navigate Thanksgiving and Christmas as an estranged mother
Being in the right community for positive support
As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, you’re dealing with an empty chair at the dinner table.
And it hurts. A lot.
So I wanted to talk to you about creating a plan to deal with family estrangement during Thanksgiving and Christmas. You don’t have to settle for trying to sleep through it, or putting on a fake smile. There are ways to have a sense of peace during Thanksgiving and Christmas, even when you’re missing your adult son or daughter. And I’ll tell you about 4 strategies to help you navigate this.
So here we go…
4 strategies for dealing with estrangement over the Holidays.
1 - DEEPEN YOUR CONNECTION WITH JESUS
Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are perfect times for you to deepen your connection with Jesus. When you focus on what you are thankful for, your body literally produces biological changes. You can sleep better, you’re more emotionally resilient and your overall mood improves.
Gratitude is Biblical. Jesus taught us that what we focus on is important.
Philippians 4: 8-9 says
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned[e] and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
What you focus on, you steer right toward. The Holidays provide an opportunity to focus on what is good in your life. Even within the estrangement, there is something to be thankful for.
That might look like, “I am thankful for the extra time available to me to read the Bible and pray during this part of my journey.” or “I am thankful that I am being presented with opportunities to practice radical love from a place of grace and kindness.”
Find what you are thankful for, write it down and pray and tell Jesus about it. If you consistently lean into the gratitude, you will witness a transformation in how you feel. Allow Thanksgiving and Christmas to be Days when you celebrate what you have, where you are. Right now.
At Christmas, it’s important to focus on the true reason for the Holiday. Nothing can take away the birth of our Savior. No life circumstance can remove your reason to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.
The truth is, if you allow the absence of your estranged daughter or son to stop you from celebrating Christmas, you are making an idol of your child. Really sit with that and let it sink in.
And if you have grandchildren you’re missing at Christmas, buy the gifts you would have given them, and then find someone to give them to. There are so many struggling families who would be thankful for the gift.
Donate to a Toys for Tots drive, or a church family… or a local homeless shelter. Find the place where your love can be poured out and then give it to them.
Showing up in service when you are hurting - that is an act of love and it will deepen your relationship with Jesus.
Spend extra time in the Word, and in prayer. Turn on worship music and let it permeate every dark thought that the devil tries to implant in your mind.
Praise Jesus out loud for coming to earth to die for our sins. The enemy hates to hear you praise Jesus, so do it all the more during the Christmas Season, and put him on the run.
Make a decision to intentionally deepen your walk with God during the Thanksgiving and Christmas Seasons.
2 - ALLOW THE EMOTIONS TO BE THERE AND GIVE THEM LOVE
This is so important. Sadness, anger, sorrow, guilt… all of these emotions that you might feel during the Holidays without your estranged child are normal for you to feel. These emotions are coming from the wounded part of you; allow them to be present.
It does not mean you can’t also feel happiness, peace or joy at the same time. But also allow the harder emotions to be there.
When I work with estranged mothers as their estrangement coach, I teach a technique called Hearing Your Emotions. It’s a powerful exercise that teaches you how to make peace with the difficult emotions in a way that helps them feel safe to leave.
This works way better than trying to stuff the emotions down and deny their existence. That is a band aid on the wound at best. And those emotions keep coming back until you handle them in a healthier way.
If you are experiencing hard emotions and you’re looking for the right way to process them, and feel better, I can help you. If you want to heal the fruit, you must heal the root.
If you want to end the estrangement, it starts with your emotional healing. You are the root system. To yield better fruit, we start with healing you.
3 - CREATE A PLAN
You don’t have to diagram out every moment of the day, but having an outline of what you want to do on Thanksgiving and Christmas is super helpful. It gives your brain a container to operate within on days that could otherwise feel hard to manage because of the heightened emotions.
Start with writing down how you want to feel. Then write down what activities, or ways of spending the time, would most help you achieve that feeling.
Build some space into your plan to have a little quiet time at the end of the day. During that quiet time, light a candle and pray this prayer:
Dear Jesus, thank You for this special day and for the breath in my lungs. Please let my son (or daughter) feel Your presence close to them, and please have me cross their mind in this moment, in a positive way. May they feel loved and may they be blessed. In Jesus name I ask it. Thank You Lord, for Your blessings and mercies. Amen.
4 - TAKE A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA IF IT FEELS TRIGGERING DURING THE HOLIDAYS
If you feel triggered by Holiday images and posts on social media, give yourself permission to take a break. Remove the apps from your phone and log out from the websites on your computer. Give yourself a rest from seeing the ads, posts and pictures. At least for a while.
You can also choose to limit the time you spend on social media. So maybe you scroll Facebook or Instagram for 15 minutes per day. When the timer goes off, that’s it until tomorrow. Limiting your exposure is a way to protect yourself with a loving boundary.
If you want to be on social media, but you’re looking for a kind and gentle community of like minded Christian estranged moms, I invite you to join us in the free Facebook community for Christian Estranged Mothers. There’s a place at my table for you.
Okay, friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a thought leader in family estrangement healing. As a Certified Family Estrangement Coach, Jenny helps Christian estranged moms defy the devil, increase their chances of reconciling with their adult children, and live happier lives in the meantime.
Questions And Answers
Q. I’ll be alone at Thanksgiving. What can I do to pass the time?
A. Create a new tradition this Thanksgiving (or Christmas). If you normally cook a traditional dinner, consider ordering in and watching a favorite movie. Or maybe you make something you love but isn’t traditional turkey and stuffing. Enjoy some decaf coffee on the porch, wrapped in a blanket. Do something easy and new. Accept an invitation to dine with friends or a family member that maybe you don’t usually see for Thanksgiving. See if your community has a community gathering - you can meet some great people that way. Let it be new. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back to traditions. You can also use this Holiday rescue kit to help you get through the difficult moments.
Q. Should I text my estranged child to say Happy Thanksgiving?
A. If they have not specifically asked for “no contact” and you’re not blocked, it’s okay to send a short text. Keep it warm but not overly sweet. Just “I hope you have a great Thanksgiving”, or something to that extent. Leave off the “I love you” and “I miss you”. Just something short, simple and kind. And only do this if your goal is to show up loving and kind, but NOT if the goal is to get a response. When you make the action about their response, especially on a Holiday, you set yourself up for sadness and you put too much power in their hands.
Q. What if someone asks about my estranged son or daughter at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A. This could happen and it’s good to be prepared, but don’t overthink it. Generally, people will not overly press you about this if you don’t make it seem like a big deal. If someone asks, say something true but general, such as, “I haven’t heard from her (or him) in a while, but I trust all is well with them.” and then move the conversation back to them with an open-ended question. For example, “How did the vacation to Mexico go? I want to hear all about it!” People usually like to share about themselves, so that’s typically enough to move the conversation away from your child.
