4 Things Estranged Mothers Who Reconcile Are Not Doing
Want To Know What Reconciled Moms Did Differently? Start With What They Stopped Doing.
As an estranged mom, you might have wondered what other mothers did to bring their children back home. Maybe you’ve searched for their stories, only to find that most of them kept quiet about their estrangement… and you were left without much to go on.
If so, you’re in the right place.
In this podcast episode, and blog post, I’ll walk you through…
Four things mothers who successfully reconcile with their adult children are not doing
The question that helps you step back into your power in any estrangement situation
How to get my guidance and support for your specific estrangement situation
What Estranged Mothers Can Learn From Moms Who Reconcile with their children…
One of the most effective ways to reach a goal is to find people who have already done what you want to do, identify what they have in common, and then do more of that.
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Estrangement has sadly become common, with an estimated 1 in 4 families in the United States experiencing it. The good news is that research suggests 81% of estrangements with mothers end in reconciliation. That means there are many mothers who have reconciled with their formerly estranged children.
Why It Can Be Hard To Learn From Their Stories
Finding out what those mothers did isn’t always easy. Some estranged mothers feel shame or embarrassment about their situation. Some fear being judged, so they choose not to talk about the estrangement openly. That leaves little means to learn from each other.
I’ve had the privilege of working with many estranged mothers, and my clients often do reconcile with their adult children. And I want to give you an inside view of four things mothers who reconcile are not doing. When you know what to avoid, you can begin to model that in your own estrangement situation.
Invite God Into This
Before you read further, pause and pray. Ask God to help you take exactly what He wants you to get from this.
Every situation is different, even when there are common threads. I want you to have God’s guidance on how He wants you to apply whatever He leads you to focus on.
1. They Are Not Trying To Fix Things Without God
The world does things the world’s way. But as a Christians, we are called to come out from among the world and be part of a peculiar people. To create a deep, lasting reconciliation that is aligned with God’s purpose, God needs to be at the center.
Mothers who successfully reconcile with their estranged children are leaning into the Biblical definition of love. They’re praying and reading God’s Word and they’re taking actions that align with what God says.
They are not buying into the world’s jargon about putting themselves first in all things, burning their children’s belongings and “moving on with their lives without them.” You can live a fulfilling life AND pursue a healed, reconciled relationship with your child. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
They don’t fall into the worldly trap of overdoing boundaries. Instead, they’re learning to take control of their emotions and handle situations in loving ways that leave them feeling good about how they responded, without needing a long list of rules and restrictions.
Some situations do call for a boundary. But the world’s approach overdoes boundaries, and that can widen the rift between you and your child. Mothers who successfully reconcile have tools to defuse most of the situations that would otherwise seem to require one.
2. They Are Not Showing Up The Same And Expecting A Different Outcome
Mothers who reconcile understand that the same communication style, patterns and behaviors that led to the estrangement won’t support a lasting repair. They aren’t falling back into the old patterns that caused the breakdown. Instead, they’re learning to show up differently.
That’s exactly what I help my estrangement coaching clients do. We begin with your emotional healing and regulation. Then we work on the L.O.V.E. Method, a specific style of communication that I developed for talking to your estranged adult child. It also helps you feel confident that you know how to respond well, without demeaning yourself in the process.
From there, we move into your reconciliation plan. That includes creating your Door Opening Message (this is NOT an amends letter… amends letters don’t work) and your S/spiritual warfare plan. We prepare you for those first conversations that can feel challenging, and you build a solid plan for what comes next.
That’s one path to showing up differently. Whether you work with me or choose another route, you have to disrupt the former atmosphere.
If you’d like my help with this, I invite you to apply for a free consultation. Just click the button below and send me some information about your situation.
3. They Are Not Focusing On What They Cannot Control
The devil loves to distract you by getting you to dwell on things outside your control.
Things like… what your daughter-in-law’s family gets to do with the grandkids that you can’t do right now. Or how soon your child will answer your text. Or the unfairness of the whole situation. Mothers who successfully reconcile aren’t draining their limited energy on what they can’t control.
Ask Yourself This Question
“Where is my choice in this?”
Then focus on your answer. When you look for your choice, you step into your power. When you focus on what you have control over as opposed to what you don’t, you can stop playing Whac-A-Mole with things you can’t control. That’s where you start making moves that create a positive difference.
4. They Are Not Trying To Prove They’re Right
Estrangement is often unfair. It hurts, and it makes you angry. Maybe there were good reasons for the choices you made that your child now has an issue with. But here’s the thing:
You can be right or you can be reconciled.
As long as you need to prove you’re right to your child, you’re operating outside of your power. When you step into calm confidence as the Medicine Matriarch of your family, you no longer need their co-sign to feel at peace. You don’t need them to see it your way or validate you.
Winning the argument is an empty victory, anyway…
When I was estranged from my daughter, I went that route. I vividly remember her walking out angry, and I knew I had made my point well. I “won”.
Then, why did I feel so sad?
Because I didn’t want to sacrifice being reconciled for the sake of proving I was right.
Mothers who successfully reconcile aren’t spending their energy proving they’re right or making the case for why they weren’t at fault. They aren’t sending texts or emails with detailed explanations of their choices. Instead, they’re focusing on their child’s feelings, showing up well and creating a sense of emotional safety. They’re taking ownership of their identity as the Medicine Matriarch in their family.
If you’re not fully familiar with the idea of being the Medicine Matriarch, I have a free audio class you can dive into that introduces you to the concept of the Medicine Matriarch. It’s my most requested free class, and you can get it (and the supporting bonus material) here.
Okay, friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a thought leader in family estrangement healing. As a Certified Family Estrangement Coach, Jenny helps Christian estranged moms defy the devil, increase their chances of reconciling with their adult children, and live happier lives in the meantime.
