4 Common Relationship Sabotaging Mistakes Semi Estranged Parents Make At Christmas Time
Do you have a semi-estranged relationship with your son or daughter?
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I want to talk to the mamas who have a semi estranged relationship with their adult child this Christmas Season. First, let’s be clear about this…
What does it mean to be semi estranged from your son or daughter?
Levels of estrangement can look different for different people. Semi estrangement basically boils down to a strained relationship where you might be in contact with your adult son or daughter less than you’d like.
Being semi estranged does not necessarily mean you’re heading for a full on family estrangement. It does mean there’s tension, and it’s time to make some changes to strengthen the relationship.
During the Christmas Season a strained relationship with your adult child can become especially tense
There’s a lot of pressure, self imposed or otherwise, to make the Holidays picture perfect. It’s a time where everywhere you look there seems to be a movie, Christmas card or Facebook post depicting a happy family in matching pajamas with big smiles on their faces. Food laid out beautifully, with togetherness and love all around the family table.
Very few (if any) families have Holidays that are perfect in every way. Remember that what you see on social media is a highlight reel. Don’t compare your reality to someone else’s posed highlight reel.
There are some things you can avoid that will make your Christmas Season go much smoother with your adult child, especially if you have a semi estranged relationship.
Avoiding these things can help your son or daughter see a different side of you, and it goes a long way to opening their mind to having a better relationship with you. Plus, you can be a lot happier in the process because you’re not as stressed out as you would be otherwise.
Even if you have a child, or children, with whom your relationship is not semi estranged, these tips can make a good relationship, even better. Prevention is preferable to cure.
#1 - Pressuring your adult child to be with you at Christmas
Pressuring them to spend Christmas with you is highly unlikely to work. And even if it does work, do you really want them sulking around the house, feeling resentful? Of course, we would love it if they spend Christmas with us because they truly want to, but pressuring them into it doesn’t feel good to them or to you, even if they say yes.
Using guilt as a means to get them to do what you want often goes along with pressuring. Even when your intentions come from a place of just wanting to spend the special Day of Christmas with them, using guilt is damaging to the relationship, and it does nothing to make them want to be around more often. It tends to do the opposite. It usually makes them want to avoid you.
Instead, let them know how much you’d love to spend Christmas with them, and then allow it to be an open door policy. Don’t force an answer or try to over-control the situation.
#2 - Comparing or competing
Avoid comparing yourself to, or competing with, their significant other, the spouse’s parents or their friends. They might want to spend Christmas with their girlfriend’s family or maybe they decided to go on a trip with their friends instead of coming home for Christmas.
It can feel tempting to compare yourself with whoever they decide to spend Christmas with, but nothing good comes from that. It leaves you feeling down and it sparks defensiveness and arguing if you state the comparison to your child. Saying things like, how can you want to spend it with your girlfriend’s family when we’ve always been together on Christmas? Or when did your friends become more important than your flesh and blood family… those kinds of comparisons lead to your child pulling away even more.
It’s normal for your adult child to differentiate from you and to sometimes want, or even need, to do something a little more independent from you.
This typically only lasts for a season. Seasons change, friend. The more easygoing you are about it, the faster that season is likely to change into one where your child wants to spend more time with you.
Instead of falling into bitterness or comparison, you could suggest having Christmas with them on Christmas Eve or some other day. Let them know you’ll miss them but you want them to have an amazing day.
Be curious and ask them about what they’re looking forward to about their plans, or other open ended questions that invite them to share about their Christmas plans. Be cautious that you don’t over-question them; just ask a question or 2 to let them know it’s okay, and you’re not angry at them.
If you actually ARE angry at them, it’s time to talk to a trusted coach or therapist and work through your emotions in that safe space. Hashing it out with your adult child is not the right place to process the anger. You do deserve to have support for your feelings though, so take it to a coach or a therapist.
You can email me to set up a time to talk if you’d like some help with managing your emotions for a better relationship with your adult child.
#3 - Engaging in “all or nothing” thinking or ultimatums
This was huge for me . I really had to do some work, and thankfully, Jesus also worked on me about it. I’ll tell you about how this showed up for me and you can see if you hear yourself in anything I say here…
Transparency here: I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life. I love my parents, but they went through their own traumas, and the impacts of that carried over into how they parented me.
The devil loves to use generational traumas to wreck us. I had become very guarded with my emotions in ways. Trying to avoid being hurt or abandoned. The spirit of abandonment is devastating to a child, and when we’ve been wounded with that, it sticks with us into adulthood.
So, at the first sign that I was being abandoned, I would go into an all or nothing mentality. Either someone was going to stick by my side all the way or I would just cut them off. Deep down, if I did cut them off, I was usually hoping they would be sorry and come back. I didn’t really want to lose them.
This way of coping with things impacted how I parented my children, especially when they became old enough to live more separately from me.
I had to learn that even when it is Biblically correct for my children to honor me and spend time with me, it is also Biblical that they have free will. The choice belongs to them, and it’s between God and them.
I’ve found that if I disengage from that all or nothing thinking, and allow there to be a middle ground, they’re more likely to meet me there. It might not be the Norman Rockwell Christmas scene, but it’s happier than if I clung to the black and white thinking and sat alone sulking instead of meeting on middle ground.
And here’s this theme of loosening your grip to actually hold onto them more. When you loosen your grip a little, they’re more apt to choose to be around, but if you never give them a choice because you’re squeezing them so tightly… they will just struggle to break free. As humans, we want freedom. We want to have choices.
Avoid all or nothing thinking and ultimatums. Instead, let it be easy and let them meet you on middle ground. And if they choose not to do that, have your own back. Create the type of Christmas you love, even if they don’t come over.
For me that consists of things like getting the cooking done before Christmas Eve, watching A Christmas Carol (George C. Scott version please!), reading the Christmas story from the Bible and staying up late on Christmas Eve.
You have the power to create an atmosphere that makes you happy. It might not be 100% the same as if your child were there, but it can still be good. Jesus is the reason for the celebration, and your child’s whereabouts on Christmas do not change the meaning of the Day.
Map out a few things that would make Christmas extra special for you, and do those things regardless of what your child decides.
#4 - Taking it personally
Think back to when you were your adult child’s age. Think about the priorities in your life at that time. More than likely, your child is starting to prioritize things like college, work, a family of their own, paying bills and friendships… they might be purchasing their first home, having children or traveling. This is all normal and healthy.
There will be cycles and seasons where they will lean on you more. Where they will want your advice or help… and there will be cycles and seasons where they lean out and don’t want your input. Sometimes we need to do things on our own, without being in our parent’s shadow.
If your child makes other plans for Christmas, or if she doesn’t stay as long as you’d like… allow it to be okay and even possibly the exact right thing for this moment. Pray God’s will for the situation and then release the outcome.
As hard as it might feel, decide right now that you will work on not taking it to mean something personally, about you. It might not mean a single thing about you. It might just mean their priorities are different right now.
Choosing to believe it means something negative about how they feel about you is a low quality thought that does not serve you. Take low quality thoughts captive every chance you get.
If you’re still reading, there’s a good chance you’re ready to do some inner work that goes deeper than this blog post. I can help you with that. Reach out and let’s set up a time to talk.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.