Are These Idols Emotionally Wrecking You During Estrangement From Your Child
The enemy may be using one of these idols to make you feel extra miserable during estrangement from your adult child
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I want to talk to you about a subject that I don’t hear being discussed much in the family estrangement space. It’s the subject of idolatry. It’s so important to address this because there are 3 idols the enemy loves to use against estranged moms when their adult children go low, or no, contact. When we’re aware of it, we can take action to fix it.
What do I mean by ‘idols’?
I’m not talking about idols in the sense that you created a golden image that you bow down to and worship. I’m talking about situations that have become idols in your life, where they are positioned in places that only God is supposed to be positioned.
Be willing to be objective
Before you finish reading this blog post, I encourage you to pray and ask God to give you discernment about if any or all of these points apply to you. Then, read the rest of the post with an open mind and a willing heart. It can be hard to admit it when we feel we need to change something, but humbleness of heart is one of the fastest routes to positive change, and in the long run you feel better.
1) The idol of giving control of your enjoyment of life to your child
Whew. This is one I for sure had to work through and I am still a work in progress. My family life growing up was fraught with serious psychological abuse, and even terror. My parents could be very loving people but there were also moments of cruelty and fear for my life.
I believed that my children would give me unconditional love and acceptance, and that they would be the safe people who would never abandon me. I wanted a family so much, and I thought I had it all squared away after becoming a mom.
When my daughter estranged from me shortly after turning 18, she said some things that were very hard for me to swallow. During that time I felt utter panic at the idea that my child could view me that way and that she was walking out - not only moving out physically, but exiting my life in the way she had been part of it.
And what if my younger son followed in her footsteps and rejected me too? That thought was terrifying. It felt like one of the main people who had given my life more value and purpose was taking it away.
That, my friend, is what it looks like to create an idol of your child. When you put the control and ownership of your feelings of happiness, peace and value in the hands of another human being, they have become an idol to you.
When you decide you cannot or will not enjoy Christmas because your child does not approve of you, that child has become an idol to you. When you push away support and love from others because you believe that only the support and love of your child will make things right, then that child has become an idol in your life.
The only One who should have that level of control over your sense of happiness, peace and value, is God. I had to release that idolatry from my mind. It takes some practice, and you might need some extra support to maneuver it, but there is freedom on the other side of this release.
2) the idol of deriving your identity from motherhood
When my daughter was in, I think it was ninth grade, and my youngest son would have probably been in third grade, I made the decision to homeschool. I am not a fan of the public education system, and I pulled them out of it for multiple reasons.
My identity became enmeshed with being a homeschooling and unschooling mom, creating a very intentional family experience, togetherness and being what I perceived as a good mom.
I did do a lot of things right. I also did things wrong. I made poor choices at times, and looking back I can so clearly see it now.
Caveat here: if you fall into that same camp as me where you see your past mistakes and it hurts you so deeply… take a breath and forgive yourself. Once we have apologized to our child and been forgiven by Jesus, we need to forgive ourselves.
It’s okay to acknowledge your wrongs, that’s healthy, but don’t stay in a place of beating yourself up for it. We get to grow and we get to be free from condemnation. Okay, end of caveat.
My perceived identity had become so dependent on being a specific type of mother that when my daughter estranged from me, it felt like she tore down who I was. Like my identity had been pulled out from under me and I wasn’t sure who I was at that point.
Friend, if your perception of your identity is dependent on your motherhood, the motherhood role has become an idol. Motherhood is a gift from God, but we can take something good and twist it into something that hurts us. We can use something good against ourselves.
Being aware of it hurts at first, but from that awareness comes the actions you need to take to release the idol and come out from under the weight of it.
You can, and should, be thankful for the gift of motherhood. But you can be thankful without making it your source of identity. God defines you. The Bible tells us so many things about who He says we are.
He says you are more than a conqueror. He says you are His friend; He says you are free; He says you are accepted, gifted, strengthened, bold, confident and predestined according to His purpose.
THAT is who you are. THAT is your identity. And nowhere in that list did I see Him say that any of it is dependent on your role as a mother.
3) The idol of dependence on human opinion
It’s natural to dislike it when other people think poorly of us. But carrying shame based on what others think of you, or when that turns into anxiety that weighs on you and robs you of your peace, then it has become an idol. And you need to be set free from it.
One of the things I hear estranged moms worry about is what will people think of them if they find out they’re estranged from their child. They especially worry if more than one of their adult children have chosen to estrange.
The opinions of other people do not get to decide your worth. God already decided your worth. He thought you were so valuable that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer and die for you. His word is the final word in the matter. He decides, not people who are human beings with their own flaws.
If you find that you’re holding onto any of these idols right now, you can get set free. It starts with a prayer where you confess, repent and ask for God’s help.
I’m not telling you that you will not have to wrestle with these idols trying to come back into your life. You might have to rebuke them in Jesus name. You might have to pray through this again in the future. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and be determined that you will keep praying and keep fighting back against something “until”.
Until it lets go of you for good.
Until you defeat it completely.
Until the peace settles all the way in.
Okay, friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
With Love, Jenny
If you’re going through family estrangement from your adult son or daughter, I can help you. Click here to learn how I can help you with your estrangement situation. Or go here to schedule your free consultation to explore working together.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and she specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.