Do Estranged Moms Have To Walk On Eggshells To Reconcile?
Do you find yourself choosing your words so carefully that you’re afraid to speak? You want to work through things with your estranged son or daughter, but it feels like one “wrong word” will make everything worse. It’s like walking on eggshells has replaced the previously comfortable relationship with your adult child.
In this podcast episode, and blog post, I’ll walk you through…
What’s really happening with your child and you during this season
How to approach talking more openly with your adult child (without destroying things in the process)
Why do I feel like I have to be so careful with what I say to my own son or daughter?
Maybe you wonder why you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with your estranged child? The answer is simple… because you ARE. And that’s actually not a problem.
When you first reconcile with your formerly estranged child (or when you’re trying to get them to begin talking again), there are going to be some hard conversations. You’ll feel triggered and you might want to lash out or defend yourself, but you know that doing that would only harm the progress you’ve made with them.
So you start feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, and you wonder when - or IF - it will ever be your turn to state your feelings or explain your side of things.
this doesn’t have to mean something is going wrong.
What if you and your child could just be on the same side? What if you didn’t need to make them understand, but rather they want you to witness their feelings and care about how they feel?
What if that was the way to pour love on the situation in this moment? Just sit with those thoughts and let them sink in.
Don’t let the enemy tell you this is forever.
Here is what I want you to know about walking on eggshells. It’s not forever. It’s actually a whole lot like healing a broken leg. Anytime you start feeling discouraged or frustrated with walking on eggshells, refer back to this analogy…
If you break your leg, the doctor is going to tell you that you cannot put any weight on the broken leg at first. It needs to heal, and in its fractured state, it cannot support weight or pressure. In fact, putting pressure on it can worsen the existing injury.
Your relationship with your estranged son or daughter is exactly like that. There was a fracture… An injury. And that injury cannot support weight at the start of the healing process. Just like with a broken leg, after a healing period where it’s treated delicately, you can put just a little weight on it and see how that goes.
And then maybe a month or two down the road, you progress to 50% weight bearing. Eventually, you have a fully functioning relationship.
You will want to always use the new skills you learn to communicate better with your son or daughter, but you won’t have to be as careful. And there will sometimes be room for more of you within that relationship. But in the beginning of the reconciliation process, let it be soft. Let it be non weight bearing.
Make sure you’re not allowing your emotions to get buried and stuck inside you.
In the meantime, if you feel like you need an outlet for your emotions, work with an Estrangement Coach or a Christian therapist who specializes in adult child estrangement and reconciliation. You deserve to have an emotionally safe space where you can bring all your emotions and say what’s on your mind in a raw, unedited way.
The right container for that is not in the conversations with your adult child. So, get into the right container and make sure that need is being met. What you do not want to do is stuff your feelings down and try to ignore them. That only works for a little while.
Okay, friend. That’s what I have for you this time, and I hope it blesses you.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a thought leader in family estrangement healing. As a Certified Family Estrangement Coach, Jenny helps Christian estranged moms defy the devil, increase their chances of reconciling with their adult children, and live happier lives in the meantime.
Questions And Answers
Q. Do I get to tell my adult child how i feel about the estrangement and the ways this has hurt me?
A. The relationship between your child and you is not a peer-to-peer one. As the mother, you are in a sense, the leader of the interactions between you. You are equal in your legal rights as adults, but you are not equal as far as the emotional dynamic. This means that you might pour into them while they do not match the behavior in the same way. You deserve to have an emotionally safe outlet for your emotions, but the relationship with your adult child isn’t the place for it. Instead, pray, journal, talk to a trusted counselor or Estrangement Coach. Those are your safe spaces for processing your emotions.
Q. How long will I have to keep hearing about my mistakes and being so careful with what I say?
A. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, however a common timeline is 6 months to a year. Different adult children take different amounts of time to feel more comfortable and to process what they’re feeling. As they feel more emotional safety in the relationship, they become less reactive and you sense an easing of the previous tension between you. Take it slow and allow them the time they need. But remind yourself this does not last forever, and every time you show up well with your child you take a step towards a peaceful, healthier relationship.
Q. What if I had a bad moment and said some things I regret?
A. You’re human. So mistakes happen sometimes. Don’t let yourself stay in a place of guilt and defeat. As soon as possible (even if it’s in mid-sentence as you hear the wrong words coming from your mouth) pause, and tell your adult child that you caught yourself falling into an old pattern. Let them know that this is not how you want to show up and you’re going to back up and try again. This shows your child that you’re capable to self-regulation. And it gives them evidence that you are making changes to the old patterns that played a role in the estrangement. .
