The spirit Of Offense In Estrangement
10 Ways The spirit Of Offense Manipulates You (And What To Do About It)
When you’re dealing with family estrangement from your child, offense can sneak in quietly. It feels like justified self-protection… like drawing a line to keep yourself from being hurt again. But offense isn’t a shield; It’s a trap.
In this episode (and blog post), I’ll walk you through…
How the devil uses the spirit of offense to manipulate you and widen the rift of estrangement.
10 common ways offense creeps in
Power thoughts you can choose instead of falling prey to offense
Click below to listen to the podcast episode, or skip down for the blog.
Read the blog below…
In estrangement, offense can be like gasoline on a fire. The devil loves using offense to widen the rift and deepen the wound between your estranged child and you. But here’s the thing: offense is a choice.
We tend to think it “happens to us” - that our child says something cutting, or ignores us, and suddenly we’re injured. But offense only takes root if we allow it. It’s not automatic.
You have a choice.
You have a choice about what you believe.
About what thoughts you’ll dwell on.
About what weight you’ll give to someone’s words or actions.
You cannot resolve estrangement from a place of offense, so it’s vital that you know how to keep the spirit of offense from manipulating you.
I want to tell you about ten situations when the spirit of offense tries to manipulate you.
And for each one, I’ll offer a power thought you can choose instead. Practicing these power thoughts is a key to not letting offense keep you miserable or estranged.
1 - When your child wants space.
That stings, doesn’t it?
But here’s a power thought: The first step in creating a sense of emotional safety with my child is showing them I can honor their request for space. I will give it 90 days and reassess at that time.
2 - When your estranged child does not reply to a text or an email.
Here is the power thought: There are many reasons they might choose not to reply to my text or email. I will give them room and model emotional regulation in this moment. I do not need anything from them. Jesus supplies my needs.
3 - When your estranged child tells you that you did things that hurt them.
It’s human to get defensive.
But here’s a power thought: Even if I made mistakes that hurt them, that does not mean I failed as a mother. Right now, what they need from me is for me to hear them and not defend or deflect. I help them heal when I show up that way.
4 - When your child speaks with a sharp edge.
Maybe their tone cuts deep. But underneath that tone is pain.
Here’s your power thought: They are speaking from the wound. While it feels personal, this is about their pain. I can lean in and look for what they’re saying underneath the harsh words. Empathy, forgiveness and love are medicines that help bring healing
5 - When your family members have a good relationship with your estranged child but you do not.
That can feel unfair. And it’s easy to feel like an outsider looking in.
You can choose this power thought: I choose to not allow my pain to color my perception. It is beneficial for my child to have as many good relationships with family as possible. I will have grace and empathy for my feelings without making my child or others responsible for my emotions.
6 - When your estranged child lets their spouse come between you.
That’s a hard one.
Here’s a power thought to help you manage your emotions around this one: The Bible says that my child should cleave to their spouse. My child is in a hard position when it comes to being torn between their spouse and me. I will work on becoming an impossible target to their spouse, and I do not need my child to defend me.
7 - When your estranged child has a different version of events than you do.
Lean into your role as the Medicine Matriarch here.
You can choose these thoughts: I am able to meet my child in their perception. Even when my version of events is very different from theirs. The important thing is to address the wound, not to get caught up on how the wound happened. I do not have to convince them of my version of things.
8 - When your estranged child lets your ex influence their relationship with you.
Parental alienation is real. It’s unfair to you, and to your child as well.
Here are your power thoughts for this one: God sees everything my ex does and God protects me. I will review Exodus 14:14 and I will remind myself that I do not need my child to fight my battles. Modeling healthy behavior is one of the strongest antidotes to parental alienation.
9 - When other people don’t want to get involved on your behalf.
That can feel like betrayal. But very often, it’s the best thing for them… and for you.
Consider these power thoughts: Other people cannot solve this on my behalf. Pressuring my son or daughter to talk to me would almost assuredly cause them to pull back even more. In-laws, friends and family members are right to allow us to work through this without their involvement, and that doesn’t mean they do not care.
10 - When your estranged child seems so ungrateful.
When your son or daughter is focused on what they said you did wrong, it can feel like they are overlooking all the things you did right.
But here’s the power thought: If someone drops a hammer on their toe, they will focus on that toe - because it hurts. They will not focus on the other nine toes that do not hurt. Similarly, my child is focusing on what’s hurting them. That doesn’t erase all that I’ve done well, but in this moment, my child is hurting.
do you see the thread in how this manipulation works?
The spirit of offense whispers, “This is unfair. This is personal. You should harden your heart.”
But Jesus says something different.
Matthew 5:44 says But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Even when it’s your own child on the other side of the rift… Even then.
Estrangement does not get the final word. God does.
And God is an Author of restoration stories.
Love, Jenny
Do you long for God-led, safe space where you can process, heal and get the guidance you need for reconciliation? I can help you. Go here to apply for your free consultation.
Jenny Good is a Podcaster, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach and Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She is a Thought Leader in reconnecting mothers and adult children, and specializes in family estrangement, reconciliation and emotional healing support for Christian estranged mothers.
